
When people meet me for the first time, they often see me as a person who tends to be too uptight, takes life too seriously, and just needs to let loose.
I find that this uptightness often carries over to my spiritual life. My worship style is typically very refined and uncharismatic...and that's fine -- for some people. But I feel as if I want to want to worship with my whole body, yet I won't allow myself to do so.
While my heart is burning with excitement about my belief in Jesus Christ as my Savior, my body language certainly doesn't reflect it. My hands are folded or at my sides, and I often sit or stand -- motionless and expressionless. I want to throw my hands into the air and dance, but I feel blocked; I just can't bring myself to do it.
I used to blame my unenthusiastic worship style on my denomination. "Catholics don't raise their hands in worship," I told my mom one afternoon. "We don't dance up and down the aisles. I want to, but I can't. No one else does it."
My mother immediately confronted me about my faulty thinking. "This has nothing to do with your denomination," she told me. "It has to do with yourself. If you feel God is leading you to raise your hands in worship, by all means do so. Who is going to judge you?"
She was absolutely right. Not only did I make an uncalled for vast generalization about my own denomination, but I also wasn't opening myself to worshiping in a new way -- the way God was leading me to.
My mother's point was confirmed when I began attending InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, a non-denominational Christian group on my campus. At InterVarsity, it seemed like everyone "let loose" when worshiping the Lord -- everyone but me. My hands were still glued to my sides and my feet were firmly planted on the floor.
Week after week at InterVarsity, I felt as if God was telling me, "Lift your hands! Be joyful!" One of my IV friends even asked me one week, "C'mon, Amanda! Aren't you excited?" I responded, "yes," but he wasn't convinced. I was excited about my faith, but I just
couldn't let that excitement out, as much as I wanted to.
What was it? I asked myself? Pride? Fear? Nervousness? Self-consciousness? Just my personality? All of the above? I didn't know, but it bothered me to no end.
Whatever "it" was, God helped me break through it when I attended a Casting Crowns concert at Rock the Sound NYC last weekend. When the song "All Because of Jesus" blared through the speakers, the lyrics touched me in a way that I can't begin to describe. "All because of Jesus I'm alive," I told myself. He is who I'm living for!
"ALL BECAUSE OF JESUS I'M ALIVE!" I told myself again. My heart was fluttering with excitement, but I was still sitting in my seat. Once again, I felt as if God was telling me, "Lift your hands, Amanda!"
All of a sudden, I felt my right arm rising, ever so slightly. My friend who was sitting next to me (also a typically uncharismatic worshipper), tapped me on the shoulder and started giggling, as if to say, "What are you
doing?" My arm instantly went down again.
But God wouldn't let that be the end of it. "Lift your hands to Jesus!" Mark Hall, the lead singer of Casting Crowns cried out. "Just let loose, Amanda! Let loose!" I felt like God was telling me.
And I did. I turned to my friend and said, "I just can't help it." Then, it all happened at once -- I raised my hands, danced, clapped my hands -- everything.
Finally was the only word that went through my head at that moment. It felt like an amazing release, an indescribable breath of fresh air.
Did you ever feel like God was telling to "just let loose" as He told me? Did you resist as first? How did it feel for you when you finally "let loose?"
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